How to Navigate Toxic Family Dynamics During the Holidays
For many people, the holidays are not just cozy lights and warm traditions. They can also bring up anxiety, dread, guilt, and a deep sense of “here we go again.”
Family dynamics can be difficult in the best of circumstances, but they become especially challenging when those dynamics are toxic in nature. Toxic patterns are not just “quirks” or differences in personality—they’re relational patterns that consistently harm your emotional, mental, or even physical well-being.
Below are a few examples of toxic family dynamics. This is not an exhaustive list, but it might help put words to things you’ve felt for a long time.
Examples of Toxic Family Dynamics
1. Guilt Trips or Controlling Behavior
Definition: Using guilt, shame, or pressure to get you to do what someone else wants, rather than respecting your autonomy and choices.
Example: You tell your parent you’re only able to come for one night instead of five, and they respond with, “Wow. I guess family just isn’t important to you,” or “After everything I’ve done for you, you can’t even stay a few extra days?”
2. Triangulation
Definition: When one person pulls a third person into a conflict or dynamic instead of speaking directly to the person they’re upset with. It often creates alliances, secrets, and confusion.
Example: Your mom is upset with your sister but instead of talking to her, she vents to you, asks you to “talk some sense into her,” or shares information with you that she hasn’t shared with your sister.
3. Rigid / Defined Family Roles
Definition: Family members are assigned unspoken roles that rarely change, such as the scapegoat (blamed for problems), the favorite/golden child (idealized), or the invisible child (overlooked or ignored).
Example: Whenever there’s a conflict, one sibling always gets blamed (“that’s just how he is”), while another is consistently defended (“she could never do anything wrong”). Or one child’s needs are constantly deprioritized while another’s are always centered.
4. Enmeshment
Definition: Boundaries are blurred or nonexistent. There’s an expectation of emotional “sameness,” and individuality or privacy is seen as betrayal.
Example: A parent expects you to share every detail of your life, gets upset if you don’t tell them everything first, or reacts strongly when you make independent decisions (like where to spend the holidays) without their input.
5. Enabling Behaviors
Definition: Protecting someone from the natural consequences of their harmful behavior, which unintentionally allows the behavior to continue.
Example: Family members cover for a relative’s drinking, make excuses for their behavior (“he’s just stressed”), or clean up their emotional or financial messes while pretending everything is fine.
6. Addictions
Definition: Substance use or behavioral addictions (alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.) that significantly impact family functioning, safety, and emotional health.
Example: A parent regularly drinks too much at gatherings, becomes unpredictable or volatile, and everyone tiptoes around them to “keep the peace” rather than addressing the problem.
7. Secret Keeping
Definition: Important issues are hidden or minimized, and there’s an unspoken rule to “never talk about it” outside the family—or even inside of it.
Example: Everyone knows a family member was abusive, had an affair, or struggled with addiction, but it’s referred to as “a rough time” and you’re told, “We don’t talk about that,” when you bring it up.
8. Any Form of Abuse
Definition: Emotional, physical, sexual, verbal, or financial behaviors that harm, control, or demean another person. Abuse can be overt or subtle, one-time or ongoing.
Example: Name-calling, threats, mocking, shoving, unwanted touch, controlling money, or humiliating you in front of others—then minimizing it as “joking,” “discipline,” or “you’re too sensitive.”
9. Chaos
Definition: A chronic sense of unpredictability. Plans change last minute, there are frequent emotional blowups, and you’re always waiting for “the other shoe to drop.”
Example: Every holiday gathering feels like walking on eggshells because someone is always storming out, starting a fight, or creating drama, and nothing ever truly gets resolved.
Note: There are many more examples of toxic patterns. This is just a short list meant to validate your experience—not to diagnose your family.
If you recognize yourself (or your family) in any of these examples, it makes sense that the holidays might feel heavy or complicated.
The good news: you are allowed to make choices that protect your mental and emotional health, even when your family doesn’t understand.
Practical Ideas to Consider Before the Holidays
1. Be Honest About Your Capacity
Your job is not to make everyone else happy.
You are here to connect, not to sacrifice your well-being.
If staying a full week instead of two days leaves you emotionally wiped out and it takes you multiple weeks to recover, that’s important information about your capacity.
Being honest about your capacity might sound like:
“I can come for one night, but then I need to head home.”
“We’re going to do dessert, but we won’t be staying late.”
“This year, I’m not able to host. It’s too much for me right now.”
Honesty with yourself is the foundation for any healthy boundary.
2. Set the Boundary
Boundaries aren’t about punishing others; they’re about protecting connection and making the relationship more sustainable for everyone.
Even if a boundary feels like it might hurt someone’s feelings, a well-set boundary is often what’s best for the relationship, not just for you.
A few important reminders:
A boundary is what you will do or not do.
“I will leave if there is yelling.”
“I won’t discuss my parenting choices at family gatherings.”
When it involves someone else’s behavior, that’s a request, not a boundary.
“Please don’t drink around my kids” is a request.
“If there is drinking, we’ll need to leave” is a boundary.
A holiday boundary might look like:
“We’re going to stay in a hotel this year. I’ve noticed that when we stay at the house, I get overstimulated and agitated, and it usually leads to arguments and resentment. I care about our relationship, and the best way for me to be present and kind is to have a quiet space to recharge.”
3. Get Accountability
Family systems are powerful. Even if you’ve done a lot of personal work, it’s very common to slip back into old roles or patterns when you’re back in that environment.
Getting accountability might look like:
Telling your spouse or close friend:
“If you see me overcommitting or people-pleasing, will you gently check in with me?”
Sharing your plan with a sibling who’s also trying to do things differently.
Letting someone know what your boundaries are before the gathering, so they can remind you in the moment.
Accountability doesn’t mean someone else polices you—it’s a support system to help you honor what you already know you need.
4. Plan Emotional Exits, Not Just Physical Ones
Sometimes you can’t leave early, or you choose to stay for reasons that matter to you. In those situations, having emotional exits can help.
This might include:
Planning short walks outside to reset.
Taking bathroom breaks to do grounding exercises or slow breathing.
Sitting at the kids’ table or helping in the kitchen if the main room feels intense.
Having a phrase ready like, “I’m going to step outside for a few minutes,” when you feel overwhelmed.
You’re allowed to step away before you’re flooded.
5. Lower the Bar from “Perfect” to “Good Enough”
If your goal is “a drama-free, perfectly connected holiday where everyone behaves,” you may end up crushed every year.
Instead, consider:
What would make this holiday good enough for you?
Is it leaving without a blow-up? Protecting one key boundary? Having a few genuine moments of connection with someone safe?
Shifting your expectations can create more space for small moments of goodness, even in a complicated family system.
6. Decide Ahead of Time What You Will Not Engage In
You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to.
Before you go, get clear on:
Topics you will not discuss (politics, your body, your parenting, your relationship, etc.).
Behaviors you will not tolerate (yelling, name-calling, drunk conversations, shaming).
You can rehearse responses like:
“I’m not going to talk about that today.”
“I’m going to step away from this conversation.”
“That doesn’t feel respectful to me, so I’m going to change the subject.”
Pre-deciding helps you stay grounded when the moment comes.
7. Remember: You’re Allowed to Opt Out
This is often the hardest and most controversial option, but it is still an option.
There may be years when the healthiest choice for you is:
A shorter visit
A different kind of gathering
Or not going at all
Choosing not to attend does not mean you don’t love your family. It may mean you are honoring the reality of the dynamics and choosing safety and stability for yourself (and possibly your own family unit).
If your family dynamics are toxic, it’s normal to feel torn between loyalty and self-protection, hope and grief. You might love your family and still not feel emotionally safe with them. Both can be true.
If you’d like support as you prepare for the holidays, I’d be honored to walk alongside you.