Emotional Intolerance: How Childhood Shapes the Way We Handle Emotions

Why Some Emotions Feel Unbearable—and What You Can Do About It

Have you ever found yourself avoiding situations where you might fail? Or feeling overwhelmed when someone lets you down? You’re not alone. Many of us struggle to sit with certain emotions like disappointment, sadness, or fear often without realizing why.

These struggles are rooted in something called emotional tolerance—the ability to feel and process emotions without needing to escape, suppress, or project them. And for many of us, this ability (or lack of it) was formed in childhood.

What Is Emotional Tolerance?

Emotional tolerance refers to your capacity to remain present with difficult emotions without immediately trying to fix them, deny them, or push them away. It's the emotional “muscle” that lets you feel sad, disappointed, or frustrated—and not panic or shut down because of it.

When emotional tolerance is low, you may react to feelings instead of responding thoughtfully. You might avoid challenges, lash out in relationships, or feel confused about why some situations seem to affect you more than they "should."

How Childhood Shapes Emotional Patterns

As children, we naturally express how we feel. But our environment teaches us which emotions are safe and which are not. If a caregiver couldn’t tolerate certain emotions—like sadness or anger—then we often learned to shut those feelings down ourselves.

For instance, let’s say as a child, you cried when you were disappointed. If your parent responded with logic (“You shouldn’t be upset, it’s just a game”) or dismissed your reaction altogether, you may have learned that disappointment isn’t a valid feeling.

Important note: Logical responses from parents aren't bad in themselves. In fact, teaching children to think through situations can be very helpful. But if logical explanations are offered without emotional validation—like empathy or simply being present—they can unintentionally communicate that the feeling itself is unwelcome.

As a result, you may now avoid any situation that might result in disappointment. You might resist taking risks, trying new things, or even asking for what you want—because the fear of failing or being let down is just too uncomfortable.

What Happens When We Can’t Sit with Emotion?

If you never learned to sit with your own emotions, you’ll likely try to put them somewhere else—often without realizing it.

Emotion and Your Faith

Let’s say you’re praying for a new job and feel hopeful about the opportunity. But the offer doesn’t come through. If you’ve never learned how to process disappointment, that pain may quickly shift into anger—maybe even directed at God.

You might think, “Why didn’t He answer my prayer? Doesn’t He care?” But the real issue may not be your faith—it may be an underdeveloped capacity to process hard emotions like grief or loss. Fear is often the root of anger, and when fear or disappointment feels unbearable, it’s easier to project it outward than feel it fully.

Emotion and Relationships

This also shows up in marriages and close relationships. Maybe your spouse has a repeated pattern—forgetting plans, being late, or reacting defensively—that leaves you feeling disappointed. If you can’t tolerate disappointment, it’s much easier to become bitter, resentful, or withdrawn.

But growth means learning to hold tension: “I don’t like this pattern, and I still love my spouse.” This balance is hard to maintain without emotional tolerance. Otherwise, it’s easy to turn your discomfort into blame.

Another Everyday Example: Work and Friendship

This isn’t limited to your family or spiritual life. Let’s say you’re in a work setting where your ideas are often overlooked. If you haven’t built emotional tolerance, that disappointment can build into resentment, withdrawal, or even burnout.

Or imagine a friendship where you feel left out or not prioritized. Instead of expressing that feeling vulnerably, you might pull away, criticize your friend silently, or pretend you don’t care. These defense mechanisms develop when certain feelings have long been “off limits” inside us.

Expanding your emotional tolerance means you’ll no longer need to protect yourself from your own emotions.You can feel hurt, disappointed, or afraid—and respond with compassion and clarity rather than shutdown or defensiveness.

Parenting and Emotional Safety: A Chance to Break the Cycle

If you're a parent, it's helpful to reflect on how you respond to your child's feelings. Are there emotions you find difficult to witness in them—anger, sadness, fear? Do you find yourself trying to “fix” how they feel or redirect them too quickly?

There’s no shame in this. Parenting is incredibly hard, and many of us are doing the best we can with the emotional tools we were given. But the good news is: once you notice a pattern, you can change it.

Creating emotional safety for your child starts with becoming more emotionally safe within yourself.

You’re Not Stuck—Emotional Growth Is Possible

You may never have learned to sit with difficult emotions, but it’s not too late. Emotional growth is a process that starts with awareness. It deepens with support and practice. And it leads to greater peace in your relationships, your faith, and your self-understanding.

Ready to Grow Emotionally and Spiritually?

If you recognize these patterns in yourself—or want to avoid passing them on to your children—it may be time to explore these emotions in a safe, compassionate space. I love to help individuals explore emotional blocks, heal past wounds, and build healthier relationships—both emotionally and spiritually.

Reach out today to schedule a session. You don’t have to carry this alone, and you don’t have to stay stuck. There’s hope, and we’re here to walk alongside you.